4 Considerations: Discussing Hair Loss With Your Date

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Dating With Hair Loss...

Are you thinking about telling your date about your hair loss?

Dating can be tough. But dating with hair loss can feel even tougher. And let's be real... It can get weird.

Maybe your lips are locked in a moment of passion and you're feeling all those wonderful feels while simultaneously worrying... Did my hair topper just shift? I hope it's still in place!

Perhaps his or her hand brushes the hair away from your cheek and you get butterflies...coupled with a small pang of anxiety as you wonder....Is his/her hand now covered in hair fibers/ fill-in powder?

Or.. what if your date is really tall...and you're wondering...Are they looking at my part? Can they see the lace on my wig?

Come on! It can't just be me who has these thoughts! (Laughs nervously).

I want to acknowledge that discussing hair loss with anyone is such a personal decision. In writing this post my goal was to highlight my own experiences and provide a few insights for your consideration if you're thinking about talking to your date about your own hair thinning.

1. Manage your expectations....

Has it always been a “nice” or “understanding” response when I've told someone about my hair loss? No, not always. But I choose to believe that everyone is doing the best they can with the information they have.

A girlfriend of mine had given me some encouragement before going on a 5th date. She knew I wanted to tell the guy I'd been seeing about my hair loss but was a little fearful of being rejected because of it. She told me:

“You are not your hair. The value you bring has nothing to do with the hair sitting on top of your head.”

Preach.

I thought about that message for a while. I don’t expect everyone I tell to handle the situation delicately because I know not everyone is educated around this topic.

Other people may not understand the psychological impact of hair loss. Especially for a woman to be experiencing hair loss… But I think in general people are good and that it’s no one's intention to be hurtful or to make someone feel uncomfortable during such a vulnerable moment of sharing.

2. Be confident in yourself...

"Remember it's just hair!"

That's what I was always told by my closest friends and family. But they weren't going through this. I felt like they didn't understand that it felt like so much more than "just hair" to me.  

When I initially started telling guys about my hair loss, I was so nervous. My voice would come out small and shaky. I would struggle to even maintain eye contact during the conversation. I was so afraid that I was going to be rejected based on my hair...or lack thereof... 😉

But I can tell you... for me practice has really helped me with my delivery.

So what do I actually say to my date? 

“Hey I wanted to talk to you about this. My hair is thinning. Thank you, genetics... And so I usually wear different types of hair extensions or helper hair to hide it. I’m telling you because I like you, and I’m interested in seeing where this goes. And I wanted everything to be out in the open between us. I know this might be a little surprising… So if you have any questions or anything I’d be happy to try and answer them.”  

Then I leave it at that.

If they want more details...For example: What is "helper hair?" Then sure, I'll tell them about hair toppers and wigs etc. 

But usually for that first conversation I keep it pretty simple. I think when I come off comfortable and confident about my hair loss it makes the whole conversation feel more relaxed.

From these discussions I've also found that when I've been vulnerable with a partner and allowed them to see some of my challenges it's actually brought us closer.

Why?

I think it's because my partner sees my desire to let them get to know me fully. They may then decide to use that moment of openness to share something they're struggling with or insecure about as well. 

I've even had some guys open up about their own hair loss concerns after I've shared. You can read some of their responses below.

3. Timing Considerations...

How long should you wait before you tell someone? This is totally based on your comfort level. In my experience I have had relationships where my hair thinning was not very noticeable and I just never told my partner. This was early on in my diagnosis with androgenic alopecia where I could get by with my favorite hair extensions which you can find HERE. And just sprinkling on some hair fibers. For more information on the tools I use almost everyday to conceal my hair thinning visit the post HERE.

But as my hair loss progressed and I started wearing hair toppers I felt like I’d have to disclose my hair loss as I got closer with someone.

At this point in my life I generally like to have a few dates with a person...like 4 or 5 before I say something about my hair thinning. Waiting this amount of time allows for me to get a better sense of their character. Then I can make a more educated decision about who I choose to tell.

4. You might weed some people out...

If someone isn’t accepting when you tell them about your hair loss and they choose to stop dating you, then just keep it moving.

Don’t dwell on the people who chose not to stay. Sometimes if someone fades out or decides to end things after I've told them about my hair loss I’ll think… Wellp, that’s it. I'm going to die alone. 

Then I remember to take a deep breath.

We get one shot at life...

I know I want to build a great relationship with someone, and I don't want my insecurity over my hair thinning to rob me of that opportunity. 

So I push myself to have that conversation because ultimately I am confident it will pay off.  And it has... I've met some wonderful guys who were totally cool about it and I've had some really great relationships. 

There’s like 7 billion people on this planet and I think it’s so important to not have a scarcity mindset. Especially after you get a wonky response or maybe someone doesn't handle the information you share surrounding your hair thinning as delicately as you might've hoped. 

There will be someone who accepts you and truly sees you for all that you are. Hair or no hair.

Know your self worth and hang tight... Ride out those bumps in the road and don't give others power over your emotions. 

And never forget...Tomorrow is another day filled with endless possibilities.

Some responses I've received...

1. “That’s interesting." After he said that he looked down for a moment. I watched him take a deep breath and when his eyes returned to meet mine there was a nervous expression on his face. I wasn't sure what was about to happen. But imagine how surprised I was when he started discussing how he was self conscious about his receding hairline and recently started taking finasteride.

2. “I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. In case you were worried, it doesn’t change anything for me.” Then this guy leaned in for a kiss. Can you imagine? What a great moment! Hahah. He told me about how he recently started using nioxin shampoo. His barber had made the recommendation after noticing some thinning at the back of his head.

3. "Oh wow! I never would've known." This response came after I said I would usually wear "helper hair" to hide my hair thinning. He said, he thought I looked great.

4. That's why your hair kept changing! I thought it was short but then one time it was long. That makes sense now! But that's cool..."

5. Once a guy recorded himself laughing at the Toppik hair fiber commercial and then sent me the video. I hadn't brought up my hair loss to him yet. He asked if I had used the fibers before. I think he suspected my hair was thinning and that was how he chose to start the conversation. Very awkward approach--- see consideration number 1 of this list lol.

As always...I hope you know you are not alone. Sending love to all my hair loss beauties out there!

XOXO

-Riley